Quick Jokes

Put a quick joke in this page, I'll start off with one, keep them short and don't post another until at least 2 people have posted one.

I bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the
fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked ...

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

I am a down and out secret agent ,

Bonds the name ..........................................................................................................................


Vagabond

Bet you expected that one mike   

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I
told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

Doctor doctor, is it normal to have one ball bigger than the other two

Two Yorkshire men are out fly fishing on the river Wharfe.

Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says,
'I think I'm gonna divorce my wife, she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months.'

Harry continues quietly fishing, then thoughtfully says,
'You better think it over, Bob - Women like that are hard to find.'

I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

Sorry for 2 in a row

Last night I almost had a threesome, I only needed two more people!

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any

Me and the wife had to use a caravan site last week in Bridlington , we were just falling to sleep when there's this knock on are motorhome door. The wife woke me up and said there's someone at the door so I opened the door and there was this bloke stood there and he said could you please give me a push so I said I'm sorry mate but it is 2.00 am in the morning its pitch black and there's no chance and closed my door. 10 minutes later in bed the wife said who was it so I told her some guy wanting a push and I refused to give him a push so my wife said get dressed and go and give him a push and don't be so mean so I got dressed opened the motorhome door and yes it was pitch black so I shouted where are you mate and this voice shouted I'm over here on the swings ...

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

I went to a zoo last week, there was only one dog in it - it was a shitzu

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt.

Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

Quicksam wrote:

Me and the wife had to use a caravan site last week in Bridlington , we were just falling to sleep when there's this knock on are motorhome door. The wife woke me up and said there's someone at the door so I opened the door and there was this bloke stood there and he said could you please give me a push so I said I'm sorry mate but it is 2.00 am in the morning its pitch black and there's no chance and closed my door. 10 minutes later in bed the wife said who was it so I told her some guy wanting a push and I refused to give him a push so my wife said get dressed and go and give him a push and don't be so mean so I got dressed opened the motorhome door and yes it was pitch black so I shouted where are you mate and this voice shouted I'm over here on the swings ...

Thats a lie you where not in Brid last week  

oh, so it was you on the swings, was it ? ..

I have always been a swinger   

Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May. ...What was the third child's name?

Johnny

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says - Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen

The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off, I'll hold your monkey for you."

What is the difference between an illegal immigrant and E.T.?

E.T. eventually went home!

Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

And do you know why we have so many illegal immigrants Baza?




So they can see their own doctor   

what do taxmen and penguians have in common both can stick there bills up there.ar...

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down her sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex
movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.

Off to bed now , last one


Why are wifes like fishermen?
...because they always talk about the one they let go,
and always complain about the one they caught!

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one - and let the other one off

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out. The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde". The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."

I walked into a pub in Dublin  as I walked in I stood in dog poo. And I slid across the floor banging my head on the wall. I sat down with a drink to calm down and then a man did the same thing.he stood on dog poo and slid across the floor I jumped up and caught the man and said to him I did that.... The man punched me and said you dirty (Ooops)......  

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The reception was brilliant.

Question
What’s a man’s idea of a balanced diet?
Answer
A Beer in each hand

Why did the duck go to rehab? Because he was a quack addict

Quicksam wrote:

Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Billy lives in the southern hemisphere ..

Quicksam wrote:

Quicksam wrote:

Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?

Billy lives in the southern hemisphere ..

Thats not a very funny joke John , now if you had said Man Utd everyone would be laughing   

nah, nah na nah nah ...

KSH wrote:

Why did the duck go to rehab? Because he was a quack addict

Oi!  

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she’d popped her clogs - Peter Kay

David Beckham gets into a taxi and he sees the driver looking at him
in the rear view mirror.
After about 5 minutes the driver says "OK give me a clue"
Beckham says "I had a glittering career at Manchester United, played
in America and got over a 100 caps for England, is that enough ?"
Driver replies "No you thick tw4t, where do you want to go ?"



Gotta be all mu tonight !

Why dont you tell jokes about all the world famous players of Dirby country   

Brill ........       

Did you hear about the hungry clock? it went back four seconds

How does the barber cut the moon's hair - Eclipse it

Moyes spents 11 years trying to get everton above man u and 2 months ago he did it.

i brought my friend a man u lamp and i told him it sits nicely in the middle of the table.

”A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a feckin’ cross

Man United shirts getting banned for promoting the devil!?

what's next? Derby county promoting sheep sha-ging

Q: Why can't you get a cup of tea at Old Trafford?
A: All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Highbury.