Winter fuel payments

Subject: Winter fuel payments Thu 21 Nov 2013 - 15:56

About this time of the year, older taxpayers will again be receiving another 'Winter Fuel’ payment. This is indeed a very exciting programme, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is a 'Winter Fuel’ payment ?
A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers

Q. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase gas and electricity...or a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.K. Economy by spending your 'Winter Fuel’ cheque wisely:

* If you spend the money at Asda or Tesco, the money will go to Gibraltar,Ireland & Luxemburg
*If you spend it on Amazon your money will go Lichtenstein

*If you spend it on ebay your money will go Ireland

* If you spend it on petrol your money will go to the Arabs

* If you purchase a computer it will go to India , Taiwan or China

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Kenya, Spain, or Morocco

* If you spend it in your corner “Asian mini-mart” no tax will be paid, it will be used in drug deals and eventually will be conveyed to Pakistan in a large suitcase.

* If you spend it on “cheap” cigs it will end up in Rumania or Bulgaria

* If you give it to Oxfam 20% only will go abroad and 80% will remain in the hands of the administrators, who will spend it on fact finding missions to Cayman Islands, Thailand & Mauritius.

* If you buy an efficient car it will go to Japan or Korea

* If you buy a luxury car it will go to India or Germany

* If you pay off your credit cards or buy shares, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore

Instead, keep the money in the UK by:

1. Spending it at car boot sales
2. Going to night clubs
3. Spending it on call girls
4. Buying cider, beer or scotch
5. Getting yourself a Tattoo
6. Visiting a bookie
(These are the only UK businesses still operating in the U.K. )

Conclusion:

Go to a night club with a tattooed call girl that you met at a car boot sale and drink beer day and night ! It’s the patriotic thing to do.

No need to thank me....just glad I could be of help

Subject: Re: Winter fuel payments Thu 21 Nov 2013 - 16:52

Hia

I do seriously believe this money should be paid after Christmas maybe February.
So that some older folk don't use it to go buying Christmas presents.
And this way they will be able to put there fires and heating on during the colder period and have no worries about paying for the fuel they use

Rant over

Subject: Re: Winter fuel payments Thu 21 Nov 2013 - 16:52

Hia

When I become Prime Minister this is the first thing I will change

Subject: Re: Winter fuel payments Thu 21 Nov 2013 - 16:58

Polly wrote:: Hia

When I become Prime Minister this is the first thing I will change

I will vote for you Polly cheers

Subject: Re: Winter fuel payments Thu 21 Nov 2013 - 17:53

I hope it comes quickly we have had to put a tweak of heat on for the last two nights at Zahora

Subject: Re: Winter fuel payments Thu 21 Nov 2013 - 19:56

Aaarrggghh feel so sorry you have a wee chilly spell down in Zahora Winter fuel payments 372028940

but I bet its still a damn sight warmer than here. sunny

Subject: Re: Winter fuel payments Thu 21 Nov 2013 - 20:06

Hia

Lost my post again

But never mind what I said was I would increase it to £250 for people who escape England for warmer climates

Subject: Re: Winter fuel payments Thu 21 Nov 2013 - 20:46

Polly wrote:: Hia

I do seriously believe this money should be paid after Christmas maybe February.
So that some older folk don't use it to go buying Christmas presents.
And this way they will be able to put their fires and heating on during the colder period and have no worries about paying for the fuel they use

Rant over

Quote :: Lost my post again

But never mind what I said was I would increase it to £250 for people who escape England for warmer climates

Polly where did you say this. scratch

Subject: Re: Winter fuel payments Fri 22 Nov 2013 - 9:53

Hia

On here but lost it
Think it is when I press the send button or don't press it affraid

Subject: Re: Winter fuel payments Fri 22 Nov 2013 - 16:58

Hey aren't our politicians wonderful, just checked our bank a/c and they must have realised it has gone chilly down here and they have stuck me £100 in there. Please do not tell them that the forecast says back to 20 odd degrees on Sunday or they may ask for it back

Subject: Re: Winter fuel payments Fri 22 Nov 2013 - 17:13

Hia

Mines not gone in so must be dishing it out to the escapees first. Possible feeling sorry for you Winter fuel payments 372028940

Posts : 461 Join date : 2013-12-20 Location : South Wales

Polly wrote:: Hia

When I become Prime Minister this is the first thing I will change

Best spent on cocker fodder.

Posts : 1986 Join date : 2012-11-15

dogman wrote:

Polly wrote:: Hia

When I become Prime Minister this is the first thing I will change

Best spent on cocker fodder.

Sorry but what is cocker fodder?

Posts : 461 Join date : 2013-12-20 Location : South Wales

grandadbaza wrote:

dogman wrote:

Polly wrote:: Hia

When I become Prime Minister this is the first thing I will change

Best spent on cocker fodder.

Sorry but what is cocker fodder?

Food for Polly's cocker dog.

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